Faith vs. Denial

I'm not sure how this entry is going to turn out. How do you put into words a life changing conversation? I'm not sure, but here's my attempt at it.

Daniel and I decided to take a little trip into Walmart while staying at his Nannie's house. We left the girls with Mimi and just had some time to ourselves. Daniel and I have a tendency to have deep philosophical conversations. We always have. This night was no different. I decided to tell him a fear of mine. Any time anyone asked us how we were doing with the whole no job thing, I would say "We're ok." And I truly felt that way. I thought. I was pretty sure... maybe... or was I just in denial. It seemed to come so easy to me. That faith... that trust... it didn't feel like faith how easy it was coming. The big questions: Did I truly have faith in God that he would take care of us or was I just in denial over the whole situation? I had my times when I felt overwhelmed... as talked about earlier in The Dark of Night, but overall, I was really at peace and knew God was going to take care of us. But was that real faith and trust or just ignoring the reality of the situation? I feel like I'm just repeating myself, but that's what everything boiled down to. From there it got a little deeper, so bear with me. We started discussing how I reacted to the past of not having a job (I'm not sure why the whole not having a job thing is my biggest stress, it just is). Before Daniel and I got married, he didn't have a job. He had a couple of possibilities, but no actually job he was working. Within a month of our wedding, he was offered two positions and started working one as soon as we got back from our honeymoon. God completely provided over and above. Next, Daniel's job was eliminated due to financial cutbacks. We had a 6 month old baby at the time and again I freaked out. Where were we going? How are we going to handle everything, etc? Again, a month before his job ended he was offered two positions and accepted one of them and started immediately after the other ended. God again provided amazingly, the down payment for our house, a beautiful house that was my dream, stability, everything a person could want. Then I thought about other ways He's provided. I was in a car wreck in college. I got $2.50 less for the car than I paid for it one year earlier from the insurance company. After looking for cars, we had a friend selling one for exactly what I got from the insurance company (well... $2.50 more). Then when Linley came along, we needed a four door car. The Lord provided the information to get a great car and the finances to pay for it with no debt. Next came Gracyn and the desire for a bigger vehicle. Again, the Lord provided a buyer for our old car, a dear friend that could find us an amazing deal on a vehicle and the finances again. And then there are little things... I can't even begin to mention all the miraculous and blessings we've received. After recalling all those things, I really started thinking I was trusting God... until...

Now this might not make sense, but it makes sense in my mind, LOL! Ok... so I started thinking, if I'm trusting God so easily, that must mean I need to learn a new lesson. I've obviously learned the trusting God because I know he's going to provide. That means I'm going to go through something hard again. And that gets me stressed out so I go back to the denial thing. I'm spouting all of this to Daniel and he says, "Do you trust God?" Well, duh, dear... that's why we're having this conversation. I say... "Yeah, I really think I do... It's just so easy. That must mean there's something else coming." And he says... "Then it doesn't matter." What? What do you mean it doesn't matter? And he says this, "If you truly trust God it doesn't matter what happens. It doesn't matter how hard it gets. If you truly have faith in Him, it doesn't matter. He's still in control. It still all works out." Honestly, not really the answer I was wanting. I don't want it to get hard. Who wants it to get hard? I don't. I want it to be as easy as it was before. But, then again, when I was going through it, it wasn't easy. So where does that leave me? Am I only trusting God if He provides in the ways He's provided before? I don't believe that's trust... that's denial... maybe? I'm not sure. Is my trusting so easily meaning something else is coming... probably... maybe? I've always said I need knocked over the head for God to teach me something. Great... Not what I should have been saying. Or maybe, this is just another test and it will work out. Actually, I can with certainty answer that part. It will work out. Perfectly. God's perfection. Not necessarily my way, but 100% His way. So to answer the question is it true faith or denial, I have no idea. But I'm pretty sure I'll be able to answer it in a couple years. Just like I can look back at two years ago and see God's Hand. I'm sure I'll look back in two years and go, "Yep! Boy was God teaching me something great." It not going to be fun, I have a feeling, but in Daniel's words, "It doesn't matter." Now to just convince myself... and fully trust.

Home?

We've been on vacation. The longest vacation we've ever been on since we've been married. We saw a ton of family and friends. It was amazing, but something really strange happened. We went back to North Augusta and Sweetwater and it felt like we'd only been gone for a couple weeks. Honestly. It was almost like the last two years hadn't happened. We were just back home. I've never experienced anything like that feeling before. I talked to my mom about it and she said that there is just something about that first place you live. When we were pulling up to our house in Marion, it was just our final destination. It didn't have that same feeling. Now don't get me wrong, I love our house in Marion. It's the first house we've bought, I've decorated it with my touches, it has all my stuff, but it didn't elicit that same emotional response.

That got me thinking... good. I'm glad I'm realizing it's not my permanent home. First off, we're selling this house in the next couple months and that's a little hard for me. This is the only home Gracyn's lived in. We brought her home from the hospital here. Both girls started walking here. There are tons of memories here, but I'm realizing moving won't change that. I think most importantly though, the whole realizing this isn't home reinforced the idea that no where here is home. Anyone remember that old song, "This world is not my home. I'm just a passing through"? Haha... yeah, I've heard it a thousand times. I've even took comfort in the words, but it feels in the last couple weeks, I now understand the song. And you know what... it's quite the comfort :)

This vacation brought on a bunch of revelations in my life. It was awesome. I'm going to blog about the next one hopefully soon. Look for Faith vs. Denial. I hope I'll be able to put it down in words about that conversation, because let me tell you it was a great one!