Faith vs. Denial

I'm not sure how this entry is going to turn out. How do you put into words a life changing conversation? I'm not sure, but here's my attempt at it.

Daniel and I decided to take a little trip into Walmart while staying at his Nannie's house. We left the girls with Mimi and just had some time to ourselves. Daniel and I have a tendency to have deep philosophical conversations. We always have. This night was no different. I decided to tell him a fear of mine. Any time anyone asked us how we were doing with the whole no job thing, I would say "We're ok." And I truly felt that way. I thought. I was pretty sure... maybe... or was I just in denial. It seemed to come so easy to me. That faith... that trust... it didn't feel like faith how easy it was coming. The big questions: Did I truly have faith in God that he would take care of us or was I just in denial over the whole situation? I had my times when I felt overwhelmed... as talked about earlier in The Dark of Night, but overall, I was really at peace and knew God was going to take care of us. But was that real faith and trust or just ignoring the reality of the situation? I feel like I'm just repeating myself, but that's what everything boiled down to. From there it got a little deeper, so bear with me. We started discussing how I reacted to the past of not having a job (I'm not sure why the whole not having a job thing is my biggest stress, it just is). Before Daniel and I got married, he didn't have a job. He had a couple of possibilities, but no actually job he was working. Within a month of our wedding, he was offered two positions and started working one as soon as we got back from our honeymoon. God completely provided over and above. Next, Daniel's job was eliminated due to financial cutbacks. We had a 6 month old baby at the time and again I freaked out. Where were we going? How are we going to handle everything, etc? Again, a month before his job ended he was offered two positions and accepted one of them and started immediately after the other ended. God again provided amazingly, the down payment for our house, a beautiful house that was my dream, stability, everything a person could want. Then I thought about other ways He's provided. I was in a car wreck in college. I got $2.50 less for the car than I paid for it one year earlier from the insurance company. After looking for cars, we had a friend selling one for exactly what I got from the insurance company (well... $2.50 more). Then when Linley came along, we needed a four door car. The Lord provided the information to get a great car and the finances to pay for it with no debt. Next came Gracyn and the desire for a bigger vehicle. Again, the Lord provided a buyer for our old car, a dear friend that could find us an amazing deal on a vehicle and the finances again. And then there are little things... I can't even begin to mention all the miraculous and blessings we've received. After recalling all those things, I really started thinking I was trusting God... until...

Now this might not make sense, but it makes sense in my mind, LOL! Ok... so I started thinking, if I'm trusting God so easily, that must mean I need to learn a new lesson. I've obviously learned the trusting God because I know he's going to provide. That means I'm going to go through something hard again. And that gets me stressed out so I go back to the denial thing. I'm spouting all of this to Daniel and he says, "Do you trust God?" Well, duh, dear... that's why we're having this conversation. I say... "Yeah, I really think I do... It's just so easy. That must mean there's something else coming." And he says... "Then it doesn't matter." What? What do you mean it doesn't matter? And he says this, "If you truly trust God it doesn't matter what happens. It doesn't matter how hard it gets. If you truly have faith in Him, it doesn't matter. He's still in control. It still all works out." Honestly, not really the answer I was wanting. I don't want it to get hard. Who wants it to get hard? I don't. I want it to be as easy as it was before. But, then again, when I was going through it, it wasn't easy. So where does that leave me? Am I only trusting God if He provides in the ways He's provided before? I don't believe that's trust... that's denial... maybe? I'm not sure. Is my trusting so easily meaning something else is coming... probably... maybe? I've always said I need knocked over the head for God to teach me something. Great... Not what I should have been saying. Or maybe, this is just another test and it will work out. Actually, I can with certainty answer that part. It will work out. Perfectly. God's perfection. Not necessarily my way, but 100% His way. So to answer the question is it true faith or denial, I have no idea. But I'm pretty sure I'll be able to answer it in a couple years. Just like I can look back at two years ago and see God's Hand. I'm sure I'll look back in two years and go, "Yep! Boy was God teaching me something great." It not going to be fun, I have a feeling, but in Daniel's words, "It doesn't matter." Now to just convince myself... and fully trust.

Home?

We've been on vacation. The longest vacation we've ever been on since we've been married. We saw a ton of family and friends. It was amazing, but something really strange happened. We went back to North Augusta and Sweetwater and it felt like we'd only been gone for a couple weeks. Honestly. It was almost like the last two years hadn't happened. We were just back home. I've never experienced anything like that feeling before. I talked to my mom about it and she said that there is just something about that first place you live. When we were pulling up to our house in Marion, it was just our final destination. It didn't have that same feeling. Now don't get me wrong, I love our house in Marion. It's the first house we've bought, I've decorated it with my touches, it has all my stuff, but it didn't elicit that same emotional response.

That got me thinking... good. I'm glad I'm realizing it's not my permanent home. First off, we're selling this house in the next couple months and that's a little hard for me. This is the only home Gracyn's lived in. We brought her home from the hospital here. Both girls started walking here. There are tons of memories here, but I'm realizing moving won't change that. I think most importantly though, the whole realizing this isn't home reinforced the idea that no where here is home. Anyone remember that old song, "This world is not my home. I'm just a passing through"? Haha... yeah, I've heard it a thousand times. I've even took comfort in the words, but it feels in the last couple weeks, I now understand the song. And you know what... it's quite the comfort :)

This vacation brought on a bunch of revelations in my life. It was awesome. I'm going to blog about the next one hopefully soon. Look for Faith vs. Denial. I hope I'll be able to put it down in words about that conversation, because let me tell you it was a great one!

The Dark of Night

Is it just me or does everything seem worse during the middle of the night. Since Daniel has been without work, I've been up every morning at 4:00 and the stress just seems to overwhelm me. During the day, there isn't nearly the anxiousness. I remember all the times that God has provided in the past. I think about when we got married, not 100% sure of a job and Daniel was offered two positions and started one right after we got back from our honeymoon. I remember how when that job ended he was offered two positions and started one immediately after the other job ended. I remember how He provided the down payment for our house, provided all the appliances and amazingly discounted rates, provided the flooring so we could afford it. He's provided plenty of food for us to eat, plenty of money to pay the medical bills from having our beautiful daughters. Provided EVERYTHING. I shouldn't be surprised. So why in the middle of the night do I forget all of it?

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:25-34

These have been my favorite verses... well for as long as I can remember. For my graduation sermon, I picked this passage to be preached on. If someone asks me my favorite verses, I say these. I know these verses by heart and they are such a comfort in the hard times. For some reason, I can remember these verses in the middle of the night, but they don't bring the comfort they usually do. Maybe I'm just weird. I don't know what it is. All I know is I am happy for the light of day when the fear and worry fades away (well for the most part). I guess that's true about life in general. The light drives out the boogyman, the shadows, the creepy-crawlies... pretty much everything scary. Interesting, isn't it?

Life is full of change

Ok, Chris! Just for you.

I'm not a big change person. I like to plan and I like knowing the plan. In college, every Monday morning I would write down every hour of every day in the next week and what I was going to do that hour. And, for the most part, I kept the exact same schedule every week. I know... it might seem obsessive, but that's how I made it through the week. I was less stressed when I knew what was happening. Now that I'm older and a mom, I can't do that nearly as well. My kids are on a strict schedule~ not as bad as when Linley was a baby. She went to bed exactly at the same time every night and ate the EXACT time everyday... not even a minute different. Now, they eat within about 30 minutes of the exact time, go to bed within 30 minutes, but if something comes up, I'm more flexible about it. But life happens. Someone gets sick or I don't feel like doing what was planned or whatever. Plans change.

Some more changes are heading in my life in the future. Shocking, I know. There is always change and nothing I do can prevent that change. But, what I'm learning is that it isn't necessarily bad. I'm getting older... I'm 28... 28... That is so hard for me to admit. I still feel 18... not over halfway to 50, lol! I have a 2 year old who's going on 16 and a one year old who talks, walks and screams. Those changes aren't bad... well the screaming thing isn't all that good, but you get my point.

Most importantly, I'm learning that God allows the change and encourages it. In my case, change forces me to rely fully on Him. You say, aren't you supposed to be fully relying on Him anyway? Yes, I am, but yes I think I can do it myself sometimes (ok... so maybe more than sometimes, haha!). Also, I need to change my heart daily so I don't become stagnant in my walk with Him. I need to be constantly changing and getting closer to Him.

So to sum up my rambling that I'm pretending is a coherent blog post... Life changes... I can't change that... Grrr, lol! But God doesn't change and really that's all that matters

I'm not a Blogger

I'm not a blogger... seriously :) Don't expect much from this page! I wish I was. I love reading blogs, but I can never keep up with one of my own (or come up with stuff to say).