The Future

Things are looking very, very good right now. Very good. The Lord has taken care of us over the last few months. He has provided beyond anything we could imagine. Now, it seems that He is getting ready to provide even beyond that. I'm in utter awe over how He has worked things out. I shouldn't be... well... yes, I should be. He is God and He does amazing things. I still need to trust Him. I need to remember that when things are still going good, it needs to be a minute by minute decision to trust Him and rely on Him. In some ways, I'm sad. This time of fully living by faith are coming to an end. That's not true, though. Every day, I need to be fully living by faith. I need to remember that, too. I'm just so stinking excited to see how He's worked over the last 4 months. I had no idea how He would work things out and to see how His hand has worked is just... amazing. And to see what He has in store for us soon, just humbles me to no end. I just can't believe what He's done. We really don't deserve this. Oh, sweet grace... It really puts tears in my eyes.

I will admit, I'm still scared. I'm scared that the plans will fall through. But, if they do, God is still God and He has a reason. But, I also have faith that this is God's plan. This is what He had in store for us from the beginning. I feel like I'm in such a weird place. I want to shout from the rooftops and celebrate, but I am still holding back afraid things will change. Obviously, I'm a huge jumble of emotions. I'm so happy my mom comes tomorrow. I need my mommy right now!

So here's to the next chapter (hopefully). I believe it's going to be a great one!

I choose...

to trust. I choose to trust. I choose to trust. I choose to trust.

Excitement

Daniel and I have an interview with a church tomorrow (on Skype). It's very nerve racking for me. I haven't been in an interview for about 7 years... yikes! I'm also still not too sure about working. But tomorrow is kinda a get to know them and what they are expecting of the job. Who knows... this might be really great!

On another good note, a big stress has been selling our house. How are we going to get another place to live and afford it and get our house sold... etc. Well, we heard a rumor today that the church has a house we can live in. That would be amazing and a great answer to prayer! So keep praying everyone. Even if this isn't the place (which I'm really hoping it is), God is still working.

Hope!

We got a reply from a church! A very positive reply. Possibly even me working part time at the church. I was up half the night just thinking about working. I won't do it if it means putting the girls in daycare. I know we might be weird about that, but long before we were married, Daniel and I decided that one of us would be home with our children. It's really important to us. I love being a stay at home Mommy. I'm not sure how I would feel about doing something else. Hopefully, I'll have more great news in the future, but for now, just pray for direction and peace and clarity.

The Wait...

Now is when my faith is really tested. It was easy to say I was trusting God to provide for us when we were still getting severance pay, but now is when the "rubber hits the road." Now we have no money coming in, haven't heard back from any churches... well two, but I'll talk about them later. Now is when trust really comes in to play. Now is when my doubt is really trying to take over. Now it's not a weekly reminder or even a daily reminder of God being in control. Now it's a minute by minute reminder. Every time I think about it, I have to tell myself God is in control. And I must admit, I'm failing some minutes. More than some, I'm failing quite a few minutes. My head knows God is in control. My head knows he's going to take care of us. Deep down, my heart knows it's true, but getting them to match up is not working so well.

We've had a lot of wonderful conversations with different pastors. Unfortunately, none of them are looking for full time youth pastors. One in particular sounded just perfect for us. Daniel called and the pastor told us it was just a volunteer position now. But then, they proceeded to talk for 30 minutes. They found out they have the exact same vision for youth ministry. They ended the call with prayer and we thought that was the end of it. Great church, going through hard time and sadly not for us. We got a call the next day. It was the pastor asking what it would take to bring Daniel to the church monetarily, not that they could do it... just out of curiosity. We figured it out and called and he said, yeah, there was no way they could even come close to that. But, he ended it by saying there was a bunch of people praying about it. So if you think about it pray for the church. It's going through a hard time, but sounds like a wonderful place. God works in amazing ways. Who knows what might come from this.

Another pastor we talked to only had a part time position available right now. But he really liked Daniel and asked for his resume to hold onto and pass it out if he heard anything. Again, who knows what doors God might open through that.

God's working... honestly, not how I think He should be working. But... He created the universe. He keeps the universe going. Absolutely everything that is going on is because He knows what He's doing. If I was in control, everything would fall apart. Everything. I can't keep my laundry up to date, there's no way I could keep the world up to date. Why do I think I know what's best for my life? Because I'm me... still trying to learn my lessons... and waiting...

Faith vs. Denial

I'm not sure how this entry is going to turn out. How do you put into words a life changing conversation? I'm not sure, but here's my attempt at it.

Daniel and I decided to take a little trip into Walmart while staying at his Nannie's house. We left the girls with Mimi and just had some time to ourselves. Daniel and I have a tendency to have deep philosophical conversations. We always have. This night was no different. I decided to tell him a fear of mine. Any time anyone asked us how we were doing with the whole no job thing, I would say "We're ok." And I truly felt that way. I thought. I was pretty sure... maybe... or was I just in denial. It seemed to come so easy to me. That faith... that trust... it didn't feel like faith how easy it was coming. The big questions: Did I truly have faith in God that he would take care of us or was I just in denial over the whole situation? I had my times when I felt overwhelmed... as talked about earlier in The Dark of Night, but overall, I was really at peace and knew God was going to take care of us. But was that real faith and trust or just ignoring the reality of the situation? I feel like I'm just repeating myself, but that's what everything boiled down to. From there it got a little deeper, so bear with me. We started discussing how I reacted to the past of not having a job (I'm not sure why the whole not having a job thing is my biggest stress, it just is). Before Daniel and I got married, he didn't have a job. He had a couple of possibilities, but no actually job he was working. Within a month of our wedding, he was offered two positions and started working one as soon as we got back from our honeymoon. God completely provided over and above. Next, Daniel's job was eliminated due to financial cutbacks. We had a 6 month old baby at the time and again I freaked out. Where were we going? How are we going to handle everything, etc? Again, a month before his job ended he was offered two positions and accepted one of them and started immediately after the other ended. God again provided amazingly, the down payment for our house, a beautiful house that was my dream, stability, everything a person could want. Then I thought about other ways He's provided. I was in a car wreck in college. I got $2.50 less for the car than I paid for it one year earlier from the insurance company. After looking for cars, we had a friend selling one for exactly what I got from the insurance company (well... $2.50 more). Then when Linley came along, we needed a four door car. The Lord provided the information to get a great car and the finances to pay for it with no debt. Next came Gracyn and the desire for a bigger vehicle. Again, the Lord provided a buyer for our old car, a dear friend that could find us an amazing deal on a vehicle and the finances again. And then there are little things... I can't even begin to mention all the miraculous and blessings we've received. After recalling all those things, I really started thinking I was trusting God... until...

Now this might not make sense, but it makes sense in my mind, LOL! Ok... so I started thinking, if I'm trusting God so easily, that must mean I need to learn a new lesson. I've obviously learned the trusting God because I know he's going to provide. That means I'm going to go through something hard again. And that gets me stressed out so I go back to the denial thing. I'm spouting all of this to Daniel and he says, "Do you trust God?" Well, duh, dear... that's why we're having this conversation. I say... "Yeah, I really think I do... It's just so easy. That must mean there's something else coming." And he says... "Then it doesn't matter." What? What do you mean it doesn't matter? And he says this, "If you truly trust God it doesn't matter what happens. It doesn't matter how hard it gets. If you truly have faith in Him, it doesn't matter. He's still in control. It still all works out." Honestly, not really the answer I was wanting. I don't want it to get hard. Who wants it to get hard? I don't. I want it to be as easy as it was before. But, then again, when I was going through it, it wasn't easy. So where does that leave me? Am I only trusting God if He provides in the ways He's provided before? I don't believe that's trust... that's denial... maybe? I'm not sure. Is my trusting so easily meaning something else is coming... probably... maybe? I've always said I need knocked over the head for God to teach me something. Great... Not what I should have been saying. Or maybe, this is just another test and it will work out. Actually, I can with certainty answer that part. It will work out. Perfectly. God's perfection. Not necessarily my way, but 100% His way. So to answer the question is it true faith or denial, I have no idea. But I'm pretty sure I'll be able to answer it in a couple years. Just like I can look back at two years ago and see God's Hand. I'm sure I'll look back in two years and go, "Yep! Boy was God teaching me something great." It not going to be fun, I have a feeling, but in Daniel's words, "It doesn't matter." Now to just convince myself... and fully trust.

Home?

We've been on vacation. The longest vacation we've ever been on since we've been married. We saw a ton of family and friends. It was amazing, but something really strange happened. We went back to North Augusta and Sweetwater and it felt like we'd only been gone for a couple weeks. Honestly. It was almost like the last two years hadn't happened. We were just back home. I've never experienced anything like that feeling before. I talked to my mom about it and she said that there is just something about that first place you live. When we were pulling up to our house in Marion, it was just our final destination. It didn't have that same feeling. Now don't get me wrong, I love our house in Marion. It's the first house we've bought, I've decorated it with my touches, it has all my stuff, but it didn't elicit that same emotional response.

That got me thinking... good. I'm glad I'm realizing it's not my permanent home. First off, we're selling this house in the next couple months and that's a little hard for me. This is the only home Gracyn's lived in. We brought her home from the hospital here. Both girls started walking here. There are tons of memories here, but I'm realizing moving won't change that. I think most importantly though, the whole realizing this isn't home reinforced the idea that no where here is home. Anyone remember that old song, "This world is not my home. I'm just a passing through"? Haha... yeah, I've heard it a thousand times. I've even took comfort in the words, but it feels in the last couple weeks, I now understand the song. And you know what... it's quite the comfort :)

This vacation brought on a bunch of revelations in my life. It was awesome. I'm going to blog about the next one hopefully soon. Look for Faith vs. Denial. I hope I'll be able to put it down in words about that conversation, because let me tell you it was a great one!