I want to win baby bedding. I love getting new bedding. Ask my husband. So I'm blogging this in the hopes of winning a really cute set. Here's the link to win it: https://www.facebook.com/SweetDreamsMyChild/app_228910107186452

Vision Forum

So I posted that last blog post for a contest I entered to win a gift certificate from Vision Forum... and guess what!!! I won a $100 gift certificate! I'm over the moon excited!!!

Amazing dolls and products.

I've seen a lot about Vision Forum and I've even been to a seminar they were part of. I always thought it was just for homeschooling families, but it really is a lot more. They have a great range of Christian books, toys, amazingly beautiful dolls- way more than just homeschooling curriculum (but they have a lot of that, too!).

Too long, but God's still working

I haven't learned everything God has in store for me to learn. The past couple weeks have been really hard on me. Really, really hard. I don't feel like myself. I'm stressing beyond anything I've ever stressed before. Even when Daniel didn't have a job. I'm sure part of this has to do with my thyroid, but anyway... everything is getting me down right now. I've been insanely stressed over money right now. How ironic is that? We both have jobs and now I'm still stressed about money. Did I seriously not learn my lesson last time? I know in my head that the Lord is going to take care of me, but boy, something in me is going crazy. So I think God decided He needed to give me another reminder of His goodness and loving kindness. I've been worried about all the costs associated with the house we still own. We have someone paying the mortgage, but the taxes and insurance fall on us. Also, we have an $8000 tax credit on the house that needs paid back in a couple months. I could not figure out how in the world we were going to do that. This morning I woke up to an email from the lady renting our house. Her old house sold and she had started the paperwork to purchase our house. It was like God hit me in the head (again!!) and said, "Hello! I'm still taking care of you!" So for a little while, I felt great. But then all these doubts started creeping back in. About crazy things. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm back to the minute by minute process of telling myself that God is in control and He continues to take care of me. I guess that's where I need to be! I just can't figure out why I can't get it through my head!

The Future is here!!!!

It's been too long since I've written. Since I last wrote we did get a wonderful job. The one I kept writing and wondering about. The Lord really seemed to open the doors and almost kick us through them. I am working now, but it's great. I actually feel like I'm using the gifts God has for me. Now, along with that, there are challenges. I'm putting tons of pressure on myself for every little thing. I really need to relax and let the Lord work though me. There are also so many things to get done. I'm still very easily overwhelmed. Just little things like unpacking the house, getting it cleaned, finding time to pick music, trying to pick the "perfect" songs, figuring out the future of the music program here, figuring out what I want to wear everyday. Yeah, that overwhelms me (and that's a whole nother post I'll worry about later).

I must admit, that as much as I loved the closeness, trust and full reliance with God I've had the last few months has been insanely wonderful, it is a relief to have a paycheck coming in. I'm striving for that same closeness, trust and full reliance, but it's really easy to slip back. Luckily, now I'm leaning on God in a different way. He's provided the job, home and money (and honestly, the stress level has dropped dramatically), but now it's relying on Him for leading others in worship. Realizing it's all about Him and not my voice that still cracks all the time or the songs the congregation doesn't know. It's a new aspect in my walk with Him. I really have to remember and remind myself of that now.

On a side note, if you haven't checked out Laura Story's song Blessings. You HAVE to! ASAP... go now!! This is the best song I've heard in a very long time. I just completely love it and can't wait for the track to come out. It really speaks to me, even though we've come out of that valley now, I know there are more to come. I hope it speaks to you in a powerful way as well.

The Future

Things are looking very, very good right now. Very good. The Lord has taken care of us over the last few months. He has provided beyond anything we could imagine. Now, it seems that He is getting ready to provide even beyond that. I'm in utter awe over how He has worked things out. I shouldn't be... well... yes, I should be. He is God and He does amazing things. I still need to trust Him. I need to remember that when things are still going good, it needs to be a minute by minute decision to trust Him and rely on Him. In some ways, I'm sad. This time of fully living by faith are coming to an end. That's not true, though. Every day, I need to be fully living by faith. I need to remember that, too. I'm just so stinking excited to see how He's worked over the last 4 months. I had no idea how He would work things out and to see how His hand has worked is just... amazing. And to see what He has in store for us soon, just humbles me to no end. I just can't believe what He's done. We really don't deserve this. Oh, sweet grace... It really puts tears in my eyes.

I will admit, I'm still scared. I'm scared that the plans will fall through. But, if they do, God is still God and He has a reason. But, I also have faith that this is God's plan. This is what He had in store for us from the beginning. I feel like I'm in such a weird place. I want to shout from the rooftops and celebrate, but I am still holding back afraid things will change. Obviously, I'm a huge jumble of emotions. I'm so happy my mom comes tomorrow. I need my mommy right now!

So here's to the next chapter (hopefully). I believe it's going to be a great one!

I choose...

to trust. I choose to trust. I choose to trust. I choose to trust.

Excitement

Daniel and I have an interview with a church tomorrow (on Skype). It's very nerve racking for me. I haven't been in an interview for about 7 years... yikes! I'm also still not too sure about working. But tomorrow is kinda a get to know them and what they are expecting of the job. Who knows... this might be really great!

On another good note, a big stress has been selling our house. How are we going to get another place to live and afford it and get our house sold... etc. Well, we heard a rumor today that the church has a house we can live in. That would be amazing and a great answer to prayer! So keep praying everyone. Even if this isn't the place (which I'm really hoping it is), God is still working.

Hope!

We got a reply from a church! A very positive reply. Possibly even me working part time at the church. I was up half the night just thinking about working. I won't do it if it means putting the girls in daycare. I know we might be weird about that, but long before we were married, Daniel and I decided that one of us would be home with our children. It's really important to us. I love being a stay at home Mommy. I'm not sure how I would feel about doing something else. Hopefully, I'll have more great news in the future, but for now, just pray for direction and peace and clarity.

The Wait...

Now is when my faith is really tested. It was easy to say I was trusting God to provide for us when we were still getting severance pay, but now is when the "rubber hits the road." Now we have no money coming in, haven't heard back from any churches... well two, but I'll talk about them later. Now is when trust really comes in to play. Now is when my doubt is really trying to take over. Now it's not a weekly reminder or even a daily reminder of God being in control. Now it's a minute by minute reminder. Every time I think about it, I have to tell myself God is in control. And I must admit, I'm failing some minutes. More than some, I'm failing quite a few minutes. My head knows God is in control. My head knows he's going to take care of us. Deep down, my heart knows it's true, but getting them to match up is not working so well.

We've had a lot of wonderful conversations with different pastors. Unfortunately, none of them are looking for full time youth pastors. One in particular sounded just perfect for us. Daniel called and the pastor told us it was just a volunteer position now. But then, they proceeded to talk for 30 minutes. They found out they have the exact same vision for youth ministry. They ended the call with prayer and we thought that was the end of it. Great church, going through hard time and sadly not for us. We got a call the next day. It was the pastor asking what it would take to bring Daniel to the church monetarily, not that they could do it... just out of curiosity. We figured it out and called and he said, yeah, there was no way they could even come close to that. But, he ended it by saying there was a bunch of people praying about it. So if you think about it pray for the church. It's going through a hard time, but sounds like a wonderful place. God works in amazing ways. Who knows what might come from this.

Another pastor we talked to only had a part time position available right now. But he really liked Daniel and asked for his resume to hold onto and pass it out if he heard anything. Again, who knows what doors God might open through that.

God's working... honestly, not how I think He should be working. But... He created the universe. He keeps the universe going. Absolutely everything that is going on is because He knows what He's doing. If I was in control, everything would fall apart. Everything. I can't keep my laundry up to date, there's no way I could keep the world up to date. Why do I think I know what's best for my life? Because I'm me... still trying to learn my lessons... and waiting...

Faith vs. Denial

I'm not sure how this entry is going to turn out. How do you put into words a life changing conversation? I'm not sure, but here's my attempt at it.

Daniel and I decided to take a little trip into Walmart while staying at his Nannie's house. We left the girls with Mimi and just had some time to ourselves. Daniel and I have a tendency to have deep philosophical conversations. We always have. This night was no different. I decided to tell him a fear of mine. Any time anyone asked us how we were doing with the whole no job thing, I would say "We're ok." And I truly felt that way. I thought. I was pretty sure... maybe... or was I just in denial. It seemed to come so easy to me. That faith... that trust... it didn't feel like faith how easy it was coming. The big questions: Did I truly have faith in God that he would take care of us or was I just in denial over the whole situation? I had my times when I felt overwhelmed... as talked about earlier in The Dark of Night, but overall, I was really at peace and knew God was going to take care of us. But was that real faith and trust or just ignoring the reality of the situation? I feel like I'm just repeating myself, but that's what everything boiled down to. From there it got a little deeper, so bear with me. We started discussing how I reacted to the past of not having a job (I'm not sure why the whole not having a job thing is my biggest stress, it just is). Before Daniel and I got married, he didn't have a job. He had a couple of possibilities, but no actually job he was working. Within a month of our wedding, he was offered two positions and started working one as soon as we got back from our honeymoon. God completely provided over and above. Next, Daniel's job was eliminated due to financial cutbacks. We had a 6 month old baby at the time and again I freaked out. Where were we going? How are we going to handle everything, etc? Again, a month before his job ended he was offered two positions and accepted one of them and started immediately after the other ended. God again provided amazingly, the down payment for our house, a beautiful house that was my dream, stability, everything a person could want. Then I thought about other ways He's provided. I was in a car wreck in college. I got $2.50 less for the car than I paid for it one year earlier from the insurance company. After looking for cars, we had a friend selling one for exactly what I got from the insurance company (well... $2.50 more). Then when Linley came along, we needed a four door car. The Lord provided the information to get a great car and the finances to pay for it with no debt. Next came Gracyn and the desire for a bigger vehicle. Again, the Lord provided a buyer for our old car, a dear friend that could find us an amazing deal on a vehicle and the finances again. And then there are little things... I can't even begin to mention all the miraculous and blessings we've received. After recalling all those things, I really started thinking I was trusting God... until...

Now this might not make sense, but it makes sense in my mind, LOL! Ok... so I started thinking, if I'm trusting God so easily, that must mean I need to learn a new lesson. I've obviously learned the trusting God because I know he's going to provide. That means I'm going to go through something hard again. And that gets me stressed out so I go back to the denial thing. I'm spouting all of this to Daniel and he says, "Do you trust God?" Well, duh, dear... that's why we're having this conversation. I say... "Yeah, I really think I do... It's just so easy. That must mean there's something else coming." And he says... "Then it doesn't matter." What? What do you mean it doesn't matter? And he says this, "If you truly trust God it doesn't matter what happens. It doesn't matter how hard it gets. If you truly have faith in Him, it doesn't matter. He's still in control. It still all works out." Honestly, not really the answer I was wanting. I don't want it to get hard. Who wants it to get hard? I don't. I want it to be as easy as it was before. But, then again, when I was going through it, it wasn't easy. So where does that leave me? Am I only trusting God if He provides in the ways He's provided before? I don't believe that's trust... that's denial... maybe? I'm not sure. Is my trusting so easily meaning something else is coming... probably... maybe? I've always said I need knocked over the head for God to teach me something. Great... Not what I should have been saying. Or maybe, this is just another test and it will work out. Actually, I can with certainty answer that part. It will work out. Perfectly. God's perfection. Not necessarily my way, but 100% His way. So to answer the question is it true faith or denial, I have no idea. But I'm pretty sure I'll be able to answer it in a couple years. Just like I can look back at two years ago and see God's Hand. I'm sure I'll look back in two years and go, "Yep! Boy was God teaching me something great." It not going to be fun, I have a feeling, but in Daniel's words, "It doesn't matter." Now to just convince myself... and fully trust.

Home?

We've been on vacation. The longest vacation we've ever been on since we've been married. We saw a ton of family and friends. It was amazing, but something really strange happened. We went back to North Augusta and Sweetwater and it felt like we'd only been gone for a couple weeks. Honestly. It was almost like the last two years hadn't happened. We were just back home. I've never experienced anything like that feeling before. I talked to my mom about it and she said that there is just something about that first place you live. When we were pulling up to our house in Marion, it was just our final destination. It didn't have that same feeling. Now don't get me wrong, I love our house in Marion. It's the first house we've bought, I've decorated it with my touches, it has all my stuff, but it didn't elicit that same emotional response.

That got me thinking... good. I'm glad I'm realizing it's not my permanent home. First off, we're selling this house in the next couple months and that's a little hard for me. This is the only home Gracyn's lived in. We brought her home from the hospital here. Both girls started walking here. There are tons of memories here, but I'm realizing moving won't change that. I think most importantly though, the whole realizing this isn't home reinforced the idea that no where here is home. Anyone remember that old song, "This world is not my home. I'm just a passing through"? Haha... yeah, I've heard it a thousand times. I've even took comfort in the words, but it feels in the last couple weeks, I now understand the song. And you know what... it's quite the comfort :)

This vacation brought on a bunch of revelations in my life. It was awesome. I'm going to blog about the next one hopefully soon. Look for Faith vs. Denial. I hope I'll be able to put it down in words about that conversation, because let me tell you it was a great one!

The Dark of Night

Is it just me or does everything seem worse during the middle of the night. Since Daniel has been without work, I've been up every morning at 4:00 and the stress just seems to overwhelm me. During the day, there isn't nearly the anxiousness. I remember all the times that God has provided in the past. I think about when we got married, not 100% sure of a job and Daniel was offered two positions and started one right after we got back from our honeymoon. I remember how when that job ended he was offered two positions and started one immediately after the other job ended. I remember how He provided the down payment for our house, provided all the appliances and amazingly discounted rates, provided the flooring so we could afford it. He's provided plenty of food for us to eat, plenty of money to pay the medical bills from having our beautiful daughters. Provided EVERYTHING. I shouldn't be surprised. So why in the middle of the night do I forget all of it?

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:25-34

These have been my favorite verses... well for as long as I can remember. For my graduation sermon, I picked this passage to be preached on. If someone asks me my favorite verses, I say these. I know these verses by heart and they are such a comfort in the hard times. For some reason, I can remember these verses in the middle of the night, but they don't bring the comfort they usually do. Maybe I'm just weird. I don't know what it is. All I know is I am happy for the light of day when the fear and worry fades away (well for the most part). I guess that's true about life in general. The light drives out the boogyman, the shadows, the creepy-crawlies... pretty much everything scary. Interesting, isn't it?

Life is full of change

Ok, Chris! Just for you.

I'm not a big change person. I like to plan and I like knowing the plan. In college, every Monday morning I would write down every hour of every day in the next week and what I was going to do that hour. And, for the most part, I kept the exact same schedule every week. I know... it might seem obsessive, but that's how I made it through the week. I was less stressed when I knew what was happening. Now that I'm older and a mom, I can't do that nearly as well. My kids are on a strict schedule~ not as bad as when Linley was a baby. She went to bed exactly at the same time every night and ate the EXACT time everyday... not even a minute different. Now, they eat within about 30 minutes of the exact time, go to bed within 30 minutes, but if something comes up, I'm more flexible about it. But life happens. Someone gets sick or I don't feel like doing what was planned or whatever. Plans change.

Some more changes are heading in my life in the future. Shocking, I know. There is always change and nothing I do can prevent that change. But, what I'm learning is that it isn't necessarily bad. I'm getting older... I'm 28... 28... That is so hard for me to admit. I still feel 18... not over halfway to 50, lol! I have a 2 year old who's going on 16 and a one year old who talks, walks and screams. Those changes aren't bad... well the screaming thing isn't all that good, but you get my point.

Most importantly, I'm learning that God allows the change and encourages it. In my case, change forces me to rely fully on Him. You say, aren't you supposed to be fully relying on Him anyway? Yes, I am, but yes I think I can do it myself sometimes (ok... so maybe more than sometimes, haha!). Also, I need to change my heart daily so I don't become stagnant in my walk with Him. I need to be constantly changing and getting closer to Him.

So to sum up my rambling that I'm pretending is a coherent blog post... Life changes... I can't change that... Grrr, lol! But God doesn't change and really that's all that matters

I'm not a Blogger

I'm not a blogger... seriously :) Don't expect much from this page! I wish I was. I love reading blogs, but I can never keep up with one of my own (or come up with stuff to say).